i learned recently that caesar dressing didn’t always have anchovies in it. out of all the caesar dressings on the shelf at publix, only one was classic. i can’t imagine somebody buying caesar dressing and saying, “thank god they have at least one with anchovies in it.” whose idea was it to add anchovies? maybe something like, “let’s add anchovies to make it taste exactly the same but make you feel weird eating it.” “good god, how i need to include anchovies in my salad.” “this dressing is missing something… stacked fish in a can. genius!” reject modernity.
i bought two apples when i went grocery shopping on tuesday. i’m feeling performative. just like everyone who chooses an apple at panera instead of chips or a baguette. you’re so fit. we should all be like you. oh, grow up. moreover, usually, when you buy something at a restaurant, the point is that they make it for you. chips and bread have to be cooked, but they literally just picked an apple off of a tree and said, “here.” eating an apple at panera keeps the doctor AND ME away.
publix sells two different bottles of honey. one is a rectangular prism, and the other is a bear (both 12 oz). i can’t prove it, but anyone who chooses the rectangular prism is a serial killer. you must be so miserable. borderline sociopathic. why do you hate whimsy? maybe they had a traumatic experience with a bear. this one is sharing its honey, but i guess what’s done is done.